I have come to the end of my Goodbye Week blog series! Last night I officially graduated from CGA!! We had such a fun celebration with dinner, dressing up, and weepy speeches. I was gifted a key chain with the word “Joy” on it which was so sweet! God has been teaching me and giving me so much joy these past few months and it was so special to see that affirmed by my leaders and friends. While I am sad and already grieving the end of this season, I have so much hope for my future. I know the Lord is with me. I am heading home to Dallas for the summer, but the rest of my future is very unknown! Such a fun place to be! While some may fear and dread the unknown, I have grown to love it. It is an opportunity for faith, an opportunity to remember how the Lord provided in the past and have faith that He will provide again. And He often provides in a way where there is no doubt that it was all His hand.
I’m feeling so emotional today. I have never been more sad to leave a place and people. My housemates are my sisters and I love them with my whole heart. The Swan family welcomed me into their family and I love them too with my whole heart. I’ll be crying about this goodbye for a long time, but I’m totally okay with that because I’ve never felt more loved in my whole life.
I came for love, and I learned so much more about God’s design for love than I could ever put into words. I hope this week of blogs has inspired y’all to love God, love others, and love yourself.
Going home I will definitely be working on the discipline of joy and stillness with Jesus! I’ve started some really life-giving prayer practices the last few weeks that I’d love to continue, and of course keep practicing writing about joy!
Now to end all this with a bang, I’ll share with y’all two letters I wrote to the “darkness” in me. It was a very healing and freeing experience to write these letters! One is a thank you letter, the other is a letter of the hurt the darkness caused me. I hope y’all enjoy!
Dear darkness,
I have written many poems and letters about you. Mostly confusion, frustration, and how I wished you’d go away. And yet, through you I have found Jesus over and over again. You have become a signal of refining and depth in my relationship with the Lord. You have helped bring awareness and voice to feelings I am ashamed of and shove deep down. You have helped me weed out flighty people and gain true friends who will be with me the rest of my life. You have given me connection with people through my darkness. I feel like the people who see me and care for me on my worst days have given me hope for this world and made me feel a little less alone. Darkness, though you try to isolate me, you have shown me that I am never alone. Someone is always there, always cares, and always wants to help. I will never forget that.
~ Marianna
Dear Darkness,
Oh how you have tried to seduce me and call me friend. We are not friends. You convince me that no one else understands, that I am all alone. Htat you are my only true friend. While it’s true that you have been my companion for many years, I see now that I am not alone. I ‘ve met so many people who have felt you like I have felt you. I’ve discovered that you thrive in darkness and isolation. Oh how you’ve tricked me into believing the lie that I am weak- that I am not strong enough to make it through the morning. You tell me to die. You tell me that this world only gets harder, and you only get stronger. Well, I have learned that I can do hard things and that I am strong enough. I can do all things through Christ Jesus who is my strength. Heck, I went through conflict with my house and came out on the other side better and full of more love than I thought possible!
Oh darkness, your power over me is weakening. You cannot steal my joy, my community, or my strength any longer.
~ Marianna
Bubbling like a mountain brook
Seeing beauty in every tree crook.
Glistening like a summer lake
All the light is here to take
Run around
Here the sound
Of a heart so free
Beating wildly
Exciting are the birds
Their chirps need no words
Alive are my eyes
Technicolor is this life
Run around
Feel the ground
Warm like the sun
In love with the sun
I want to thank you all for your support and love this week!! Thanks to all your help I am only $395 away from my goal!! I am so close to being FULLY FUNDED!! If you feel led, please give. I have so loved getting to take y’all along this journey with me. I know I am not alone, I could not have gotten here without y’all, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all the prayers, love, and support. It means so much to me. <3
~ Marianna H
