I felt like sharing with y’all an insight into my mental health and journey with depression. I’ve experienced so much healing so I wanted to provide some perspective on what the darkness was like for me. I wrote some poetry in my darkest season that expresses the questions and the cries of my heart. At the end I’ll be including the hope that the Lord spoke to me, so if it feels like it’s getting too dark, don’t worry it gets better!! I didn’t know it at the time, but there was a light at the end of the tunnel. This is not everyone’s journey with depression. I count myself so blessed that the Lord spared my life and that I get to personally share this with y’all. There was a time where I didn’t think I’d live to tell the story I am telling now.
Is it better to live or die?
One day I’ll look death in the eye
And see for myself the face of him
Who called me sweetly,
And when the light grows dim
Fall asleep so deeply.
I’ll find a friend in death, and my end.
Then I’ll know whether it was all a show.
Oh sweet death,
Are you a liar?
You catch my breath
And call me higher.
Don’t sing that song
That Christ sang out-
It feels so wrong,
So hear me shout.
You’ll have my hand
One day in hell,
But leave my hand behind
For now until I hear that song-
Those loud, proud
Death bells gong.
Oh sweet death, are you a liar?
You catch my breath and call me higher
You sing a song so sad and familiar-
The sound of my childhood, my wound.
It reminds me of pain- that constant drumbeat.
This song so familiar brings me to my knees.
I’m longing for something, an end to the pain,
An end to the memories, an end
To the monotony and constancy.
Oh sweet death you cast your light
So gently.
You lure me in so softly.
Are you safe? Can I trust you?
In you will I find life?
…
Darkling thrush
Singing from you perch
You make the dark sound sweet,
Slowly seducing me
To your lying master, Death.
Darkling thrush
Calling to the stars,
They twinkle brighter for you
And draw me to the depths
Where I cannot swim.
Darkling thrush,
Oh how I blush to think of your song
Blended tenderly for my liking.
I’d follow that sound anywhere.
Darkling thrush,
Your music blinds me.
I stumble through the dark
Desperate,
Searching for more.
Darkling thrush,
Oh hush the sound,
Of dizzying, enticing death
How easy you make it seem.
How blissful, the final quiet.
Darkling thrush
You make the sleep of time
Sound sweet and kind.
Yet here I am
Resisting your rhyme.
I stick my foot in the hypnotic
Fire and soot and cry out loud
Jesus’ name-
Do I cry in vain?
I’ve been lulled to sleep
In a suicidal leap.
But Lord, Oh Lord!
Wake me up!
Rescue me!
Tell me this is not right!
There there is more to this slow life
Than empty, hollow hunger,
Broken, beating hearts.
Forever feeling unwhole.
Is that the seduction of the Enemy?
To succumb to easy death?
For there’s no reason to live
If I’m to feel this broken, longing all my life.
Father, I’m waiting for you!
Surely this longing
Was meant for belonging.
A sign to my heart, to return to your heart,
Lord, bring me back to silence
The stillness of your voice.
Show me holy wholeness
In the wordless winter’s voice.
…
Thank you for the hopeful night
That turns the darkness into light.
Thank you for the cleansing cool air,
The peaceful moon’s light.
How she’s always there.
Thank you for the cheery stars,
For quiet birds, and glistening Mars.
I feel myself relax and still,
Loving the night,
Losing my will.
I must go down to the glade tonight,
To feel the grass and bathe in starlight.
I come alive as the sun goes down.
I don’t know why, but I am glad.
For now I will dance to the sound
Of quiet and still.
Lord hold my hand,
I’ll come to your hill.
I asked for a miracle from you-
The peace and joy I feel
Can only be from you, it’s true.
How can I feel this way?
Can this be real?
“Yes, my love, I’ve saved your life.
Come dance in the breeze
As the moon climbs the trees
Come and be free.
…
“The storm might last for long,
A chaos in your mind.
But even so, above the clouds,
The sun shines still and bright.
So wait my dear, a little more-
I come to make your heart restored.”
Sway me sweetly
On a swing of love
Let springtime songs
Stay sweet and long
How sweet the smell
Of mint tea brewing,
It signals my heart
To begin renewing
…
Lord I Know it is True
Lord I know it is true,
This heart turning slowly to you.
You show me the sea
and the hues of the blues
of a life that is sacred and free.
Lord I know it is true,
This heart falling quickly for you.
You show me a dream
Of one hundred bare rooms,
The dawn of the sea and the dew
Lord I know it is true,
This glorious morning with You.
You show me the me I’m longing to be
who shines like a day that is new.
~Marianna
P.S. Today is graduation day!! I move back to Texas on Saturday, and I need y’all’s help to be fully funded by the end of the week! I only have $1,395 left to raise! If you feel led to support me, go to the orange “Donate!” button at the top of the screen! Other ways you can support me are by sharing this blog with your friends and family, leaving an encouraging comment, and praying for me! Also, remember to subscribe so you don’t miss a blog this week! I am posting everyday in a grand finale that I am calling “Goodbye Week.” I’m sharing all that I have even up to, and all that I’ve learned here in my time in Georgia! Thank you again for all your support, I cannot do this without each and every one of you.
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” -John 1:5
